


I'm Not Okay, I Promise

by orphan_account



Category: Death Note
Genre: AU- Canon Divergence, F/M, M/M, TW: Anxiety Pressures, TW: Self Harm, TW: Sucidial Main Character, tw: child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-04-01 05:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4008013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A was so stressed from everything that was happening that he ran away. This is his life before and after running away. It wasn't until L called for him and B to work on a case neither would forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

Chapter 1

 

Alternative sat at his desk reading notes and studying. This wasn't good, he starting to get tired and everything in his life seemed to be going downhill. Yet, here he was reading over his tiny hand writing and grimacing about the reason he was even in this god damn orphanage. He was starting to wish he wasn't there anymore. Before he had got there, his light blue eyes twinkled and shined but now they didn't do that. They were dark and hallow, and no life could be found in them. He was so close to giving up now.

Most of the time he was able to brush it off. Today seemed so...different.

 

The day, in fact, was quiet wonderful. The date was May 1st. May day. The follow orphans were outside having a short play period. The first one they had in months, do to the awful weather of England. Today was another miserable day. Since May day was the day he first arrived to the orphanage.

 

It had all started when he was 4 years old. His mother, God rest her soul, was mugged and sadly, did not survive the injuries. Alternative's father had walked out on the family shortly after Alternative was born.

( And no, they hadn't named him the idiotic name he now called himself. He was born as Andrew Roman. )

 

He remembered opening the door to a police man, and as a slightly above average child, knew what the police man told him, was true. The police station took him to the first orphanage he would stay in.

He wouldn't stay in that orphanage long however. 4 months later, he was brought to the current orphanage.

 

The burnet shook himself out of his thoughts, deciding he should play his music. Music was his special object. He loved it, but his favourite was post-hard core. He could listen to it on hours. That is, if Backup didn't bother him.

B was a year older then A, thus making him feel higher to the burnet. It wasn't until they found that A's scores on tests and such where better then B's. Though now A barely even spoke to the older. He would still barge in and demand things from him. Things that didn't even matter to A.

 

A let out a sigh, before deciding it was time to rest. He rested his notebook on the table. Flipped off his lights, and closed the blinds. He curled up onto the bed. Yes, sleep was to come to him now. His eyes shut and he could feel them getting heavier as sleep took over him.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

Chapter 2

 

Thinking of his mother made A sad. Thus, waking him up to a now darkened room. The time must have been 6 or 7 in the evening. Blinking to get used to the dark room. A noticed that there were more people then he expected.  
He knew them, Mello and Matt. "Oh...hello." He said in a quiet voice. The two where closer then anyone A had seen at the orphanage.

"Roger said to come check on you." Mello said, with bright eyes. The red head nodded playing what looked like a Gameboy.

"I'm fine...I just woke up from a nap." A said with a soft smile. Mello and Matt where still children, 8 and 9 years old. Which made A, 6 years older. Mello thought of A as his hero, even following the older around when he saw him.  
It made A feel something at least. The burnet felt barely anything. B, who had just stormed in, glared at the children sending them running. Well, Mello running and Matt slowly trailing along.

A huffed a bit and crossed his arms, glaring at B. "What?" B asked in an annoyed voice.

"You know what you did." A said. "Tell Roger I'll be down in a moment." A said whilst trying to push the older boy out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mentions of self harm in this chapter.

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

Chapter 3

A walked slowly down the hall way not in much of a hurry to get to the place he was supposed to be. His hair was now ruffled in places from his some what short nap; and he could feel B looking at him. The older boy hadn't obeyed A's wish to leave him alone. A looked at his feet, and let out a sigh. "Yes, B?" He asked looking up at the older.

"Nothing." B said immediatly trying to pull something L would do. A decided not to roll his eyes from the answer. A knew was no good with talking to B. A frowned a bit.

"B...I must confess...I'm going to run away soon..." A said after a short moment. B looked confused, "I can't do it it anymore...I wanted you to know...because...maybe when you replace L, you'd come visit me..." A said before chewing on his lip.  
A expected B to get angry. He could feel the glare. "So you're giving up?" B asked.

"I...yes. I also want you to know...I..." They had reached the dinning room.

"You what?" B asked annoyed.

"I'll...Ill tell you later." A said simply.

He walked over to one of the five tables set up, Mello and Matt sat on one side which wasn't unnormal. A younger white haired boy sat there looking at his bear. He was about 6-ish years old. A walked over and sat down. "A! Where you and BB k-i-s-s-i-n-g?" Mello asked in a teasing voice.

"No...just talking..." A said as he felt B looking at him. "What's your name?" A asked the small child, ignoring Mello ant B.

"They said it was Near." The child said in an almost monotone voice.

"His score was almost as high as your's A." Mello told him.

"Oh...interesting." A said looking at the food sat down in front of him. A piece of what looked like a steak and potatoes.

The younger kids around him started eating the food. A looked around noticing happy faces, and another not eating. B. "Excuse us." B said, sounding slightly rude. A looked up at him, a slight from forming.

They left the room and B looked at him seriously. "If you leave, I leave." B said, causing A to become slightly pink.

"Alright..." A said, as B tugged his arm.

"We make a pact...okay?" B said with a frown but then he smirked. "Instead of a spit shake, show me your serious about leaving."

"How am I supposed to do that?" A asked.

"Kiss me."

A blushed or at least he thought he did. There was 2 truths of the matter at hand, the first was he had never kissed anyone and didn't really want to. Ever. The second was he didn't want to get out that badly.

"It's okay, B. I think I'll get out on my own." A said, pushing past the older boy. "Besides I have to study...and keep on top of everything." A said, before stopping and looking at the daily paper Roger had finished with. The first Article had his family name written on it.  
The story was about the death of a Ms. Abigail Roman, A's mother. A contained his emotions from showing on his face in front of B. A walked away quickly going into his room.

He read over the article once more before carefully flipping the desk lamp on. A had no roommate at the moment, they had removed the second bed due to few children. The desk lamp was dim on the murky grey newspaper. A stood flipping the light switch on, brightening the room.  
On the most of the walls there were posters of different bands which reminded him to put on the Nirvana record he had recently received from L.

On the other side of the room were different articles about his mother. The door flew open. "I thought your mother abused you before she died. Why do you care so much?" B asked plopping himself down on A's bed.  
"She wasn't always like that tho...your Dad was a devout Catholic and tried to kill you for your eyes." A said, bitterly almost.

"Yeah but..." B had a look he normally didn't have. "She...brunt you Andy...like physically brunt you several times because you..."

"I was to smart...and I probably deserved it." A said, ignoring the fact B used his real name. "I...just want to know what happened to her...all I know is that she was mugged and she didn't deserve it." A took a deep breath. "It's difficult to talk about...there isn't like a therapist to help me cope with my feelings because no opens up about it."

"True I guess." B said. "Do you...still cut?"

"Yes...but I've started stilling ice to rub on my skin and..." A lifted his sleeves arm pulling it up to show he had no new scars but multiple drawings and a couple of old burns.

It was silent for a second. "I care about you Andy." B said, before standing. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone." B said, hugging him.

A nodded, "okay." A said, trying not to remember anything from his year before his mother died.

He had only been a child.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions child abuse and thoughts of suicide.

 

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

Chapter 4

 

He didnt know his father. His mother said that he was Japanese and that was all Andrew had heard. That was one of her good days. Where she smiled and gave him ice cream and told him she was so proud to have him.

His mother was a known alcoholic that probably got pregnant with Andrew in one of her blackouts. He had cried in his dark room for about an hour or two befor3 his mother sobered up and came and got him.

She had hugged him and said she was sorry and Andrew forgave her. It had only been an accident.

 

About a week later she burned near his ear with a cigarette bud. This time his crying has smothered as he got hit and sent to his room. Again, he longed for his father. The pain went on for four whole years. When he turned 7, she wound up dead in an alley.

 

She had locked him in his closet for at least a full day. Told him is he was such a smartass to find a way out. It had gotten dark and Andrew had thrown up, twice. The door rattled and a cop stood gawking at the little boy.

They assumed that whoever killed his mother. Locked him in the closet.

 

-Break-

For the first since he was 3, A cried. His crying wasn't loud but he seemed to have held it in for to long. He held his hands together laying on his bed, curling up into himself.

 

He didn't remember falling asleep but he did open his eyes. B was asleep right beside him. Something A was used to by now, though tonight was different. B seemed closer tonight.

 

They had both mentioned each other's past which wasn't a good thing. A watched carefully for a moment. He wondered why B fought with him so often but in the night held each other like lovers.

 

A shook his head from his thoughts, he realized that night that he was in love. It wasn't sexual attractions A held for the older boy but romantic attraction and A assumed that B felt the opposite way.

 

A rested his head on top of B's chest, burying himself in the dark shirt. He had thought about different things before but never this. He felt a small smile come to his lips. He may have loved B for a longer time then he thought.

 

His face became flustered and he cuddled into B whispering oh so quietly, "I love you..." He hoped to God that B didn't hear him.

 

-Break-

A didn't know if he had siblings or not, but this Near kid was what he expected a sibling to be. Near, at least to him, was annoying and liked to play by himself.

 

Near was paired with A but quickly began to outshine A. Everyone wanted to talk to Near about something. Even Mello was invested into finding things out.

 

And it seemed less people cared about A. The more they began to ignore him. He happened to find himself on the roof, everyone was inside, taking a weekly call from L, he sat on the roof. Alone. A couldn't take it anymore.

He could fall and be done. He could jump off and no one would see. No one care about the emotionally unstable boy. He was only 15.

 

He refused to let the tears that he had for so many years out. He wanted to scream and yell and run and be done.

 

A took a deep breath. If he didn't die, he'd be in pain, and in trouble from B. Everyone would know he took his own life. He held his breath. "Don't cry..." He whispered to himself.

 

"Hey, A, L is flying us out to Japan to meet help him on the Kira case." B said, pulling A from his thoughts and away from the edge of the roof. "We got to pack."

 

"Wouldn't he want Near or someone?"

 

"He doesn't know Near yet. Plus...Near is six."

 

"Oh...yeah...right..."

 

-Break-

On the plan ride from England. A felt tired. B had let him rest on him. A remembered what he had mumbled only a few nights ago. It was weird that his emotions could flexuate and make him feel useless.

Once they landed in Japan, B began talking. B had grown up in Japan, and blabbered on to A about the culture and the many things he remembered from his childhood. A knew what he was doing. He always treated A different when in public than in private.

 

It didn't help that A had never been out of England before. He tried to not gawk at everything by keeping his head down in the car ride, not really surprised that L was sitting weird.

A had only met L once. B elbowed him in the gut, and A looked up only slightly, taking out an ear bud. "What?" He asked, oddly softly.

 

"Turn your music down, dumbass."

 

A rolled his eyes, pushing up his glasses with the back of his hand. He was slighting nervous. "Isn't it hot?" B asked.

 

"No." A said, quickly. Throwing a glare at B.

 

They arrived at the headquarters. A stood apathetically, with his hands in his jacket pockets. A noticed a slightly annoying girl with blonde hair holding onto a brunette boy's arm.

 

A took out his MP3, changing the music to a different band. "A doesn't like...people." B said, speaking for him. A rolled his eyes, taking his glasses off and shoving them in his pocket. "He probably won't be much help."

A wanted to snap at him but he was on a new weird medicine that mare him quiet. The annoying girl was bouncing off the walls and actually hugged both of them. "Misa-Misa wants to be friends!" She said, referring to herself in 3rd person.

 

A winced but not loudly, pulling away. B looked up at him, with a confused look on his face. "Did you..."

 

"No."

 

"Alright." B said. A sat down, before looking at B. "A's...stressed from the trip. He's never been out of England." A rolled his eyes, pushing his glasses up and off his eyes but he didn't say anything.

It was slightly true, he was stressed but not from the reason B mentioned. He muttered something under his breath, shaking his head for a second. B then said something A didn't understand in probably Japanese and grabbed A from his seat.

 

A allowed this. He was tired. He didn't mind that B was holding his hand.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

A Death Note AU Fanfiction

Chapter 5

**Trigger Warning** **:** ** Mention of Self Harm **

A sat on the bed, a laptop sitting on top of his lap. His legs where crossed. The warmth was better for him than anything. It reminded him that he was breathing and alive. Something he needed.

B was in the shower. A could hear the water running. A had plugged his MP3 player in to charge it. His fingers weren't typing. Knowing that L might be watching. He was nervous, he bite down on his bottom lip.

A finally closed his laptop and put it on the small end table. He continued to chew on his bottom lip. He knew someone was watching.

It wasn't like he didn't expect it. He decided to lay down on the bed, holding the second pillow to himself. He needed to calm down. He knew L didn't trust anyone. But he probably wasn't focused on the two teens.

He jumped up when he heard the door open. "Shit! B you scared me!" A said, glaring at the older male. "Some language A. Then again you barely talk."

A rolled his eyes at the comment. "Whatever." B moved and sat on A's bed. A looked at him before sighing and laying on the bed. "You're an ass." A mumbled softly pulling the blanket up. He felt tired suddenly.

More tired than in his entire life.

 **** *****Break*

A ran his fingers over his old scars with a slight feeling of guilt. The jetlag was starting to effect him the more he tried to sleep. He laid on the bed hearing the hum of the air unit click to life making it the bitter cold that most hotel rooms were.

His stomach was in knots as he closed his eyes taking a deep breath. B wasn't asleep either, sitting on the other bed under the covers watching some late night TV show. A rolled out of his bed and stood up. He held his breath slipping into B's bed. B barely looked at him just mindlessly patting A's head.

A let out the breath slowly, he closed his eyes. Hoping he would dream better things.

*Break*

A was 5 in his dream. He hadn't many toys though one he brought with him were ever he went was a long, fluffy, blue elephant. According to his mother, it had been from his father for his 1st Christmas.

A remembered taking it, on one of his mother's good days, to see Santa. A was a serious young child that, unlike some children, was not excited to see Santa. "Andy, sat in line. Mommy needs to go smoke." His mother said just as the child in front him ran up to the red clothed man.

She left without another word. A held the elephant close. The young boy jumped down happy taking a hold of both of his parents hands. A walked up to Santa who beamed a happy smile. "And what is your name?" Santa asked.

"Andrew." A said softly. "And your friend?" Santa asked gesturing at the stuffed animal. "Peanut." A said. "A fine name. Now, Andrew...what do you want for Christmas?" A looked at the still happy family in his line of sight. "A mother that loves me...and father that's there..." A said, he pointed at the family.

The man looked almost shocked, "Well...I will see what I can do." After an hour A didn't make a move more than to slip down clutching the elephant closer. His mother wasn't back inside. A man dressed as an elf gave him a tired fake smile. "Want the picture?" A police officer asked, A shock his head. "You're weird for a kid." The man said before laughing. "You're weird for an adult." A said.

It got quiet, for the most part. A stood waiting for his mother. The man stood with him. It was about 3 hours later when his mother came back. The man was on his phone. "What?" His mother asked, obviously drunk. "Ma'am is this your son?" The man asked, obviously using a different tone then with A. "Yeah...did he do something stupid?" She asked. "No. But you left him alone for 4 hours."

"Whatever." His mother said, grabbing A roughly by the arm. He dropped the stuff animal. "Wait...Peanut..." His mother continued to drag him. "Shut up or you'll get it when we get home." His mother growled.

*Break*

A woke up with a soft sigh rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. It was the middle of the afternoon, B was asleep, A was cuddled into him.

He sighed. Maybe going back to sleep until someone came for them was a good choice.

A was ultimately wrong with his choosing of sleep. B was awake now, he heard a small laugh. "He's so cute." B said, before placing a tiny kiss on A's lips. A contained himself though he moved slightly to roll over. "Jesus..." B mumbled before laughing again. He kissed A on the neck before getting out of bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm Mentions. There is also some self confidence issues that should be addressed but A won't. I have Chapter 7 written but I haven't typed it or edited it.

I'm Not Okay, I promise

A Death Note Fanfiction

Chapter 6

A glanced over the monitor screen, holding in his bored and exhausted sigh. 

He felt many different feelings at the moment. A wondered if he was bipolar. It wouldn't be the first time he had thought it. He already had paranoia and depression. Why not through in some mania into the mix? At the moment he could feel the awkward feeling as he hadn't really spoken to his once idol, L. Or he felt awkward seeing the petite blonde Japanese girl doing makeup in what she thought was her own private bathroom. Next to A, on his right was B, casually sitting back with his eyes closed and feet on the expensive computer desk. Occasionally, someone would say something in Japanese and A would sit confused and out of the group entirely.   

Why didn't he learn a language? He was busy most of the time trying to not go insane.

A was being to wish he had brought a book or his mp3 to drown out the silence. He began to feel the anxiety building up in him. He thought back to the morning, did he take his medicine? Probably not. He typically ignored it until he was embarrassed by his own doing. When he was still at home, Roger would chaste him for it. He finally let the sigh go to calm himself down. He had to remember to breathe and focus. He jumped when B moved, "Is she still doing makeup?" He asked annoyed as he sat up correctly. "Yes." L said, in English obviously amused but trying not to show it.

B groaned, throwing his hands up, "This is pointless!" He said, he threw his arms down, hitting A. A looked up at him with a small glare. Light scoffed and muttered in Japanese before saying in English as well, "Yeah...it is." A tried to not be shocked that suddenly they where all talking. He pushed his glasses back into place. If A wanted to also complain, he probably wouldn't have. He refocused on the screen to see the girl humming a song. He ignored L's eyes. "What do you think A?"

A almost felt like he chocked on his own breath.

He probably did, but that's beside the point. L was speaking directly to him. A managed to say, "It's awkward." He felt proud that he didn't stutter out the sentence. "So you agree with Light and B" L asked.

Oh god, yeah now A wanted to hide. "I...I rather not be caught in the middle of this." He managed to ignore the stares he was getting, because honestly he was imagining it now, right? Something in the back of A's mind, told him he'd be in more awkward moments like this.

*Break*

After what felt like forever of more awkward footage, A and B got a break for the evening. He could hear B's muttering as they walked back to their room. A stared at his shoes mostly.

He bumped into B for about the 3rd time in their short walk was enough for B to snap, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Seriously? I don't really know." A said, he looked at his shoes for a second. B rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I guessed. You look like you're going to cry."

A rolled his eyes, removing his glasses to clean them. "I'm not going to cry. My head is just going somewhere else. I miss school and I want to be there."

"Back to school? Don't, Roger was an ass and we're not going back."

A paused, "It's not Roger. I miss well everyone else."

 

*Break*

Have you ever had that breath taking moment that you realized that you have feelings for someone? At first, you see them, and you don't actually want to have that bubbly awkward feeling. Most people, would start smiling or blushing thinking of the person they liked. And sometimes, on the rare occasion, A realized his feelings for B.

And then he'd do something mean or shitty and A would hate him again.

Well not hate. Be annoyed with B again.

And a part of A wished that he didn't feel that way. He and B were friends...in a weird sense of the word. A would remember something that B would do. Today's? What B said when he thought A was still asleep.

Or he knew A was awake and decided to fuck with him.

Either way, it felt awkward for A to feel that way. Not that it hadn't happened before. He knew his own heart and body and what he preferred. He would crave the comfort but then his brain would scream insults or have some sort of worry. Both, obviously, were not helpful.

And then he factored in the pressures of what L wanted or needed from it. It got worse. A pulled out his mp3, finally. He shoved the earbuds on and turned on his music. Maybe B was right and A needed to cry.

His sleeves felt itchy, A sighed pulling the sleeves to his elbow. His stomach tightened at the look of the ugly, angry scars that littered his skin. His mind suddenly turning on him. Even if he decided to ignore his own brain, and tell B that he wanted to be something more. It would just end up bad. They wouldn't be together very long.

"That's depressing." A thought to himself. He knew it was unhealthy and he needed to stop but he couldn't. B was back in the room, as A moved to cover his arms back up. He removed one ear bud. "Hey..." A said.

"Nothing." was B's answer. B crawled into the bed with A. They leaned into each other. This was like dating except no one was getting hurt.

No one but A. A moved to grab his lap top before feeling a hand on his waist. He looked B who simply moved forward and pressing a kiss on A's lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
